Divorced mom Rita Hardin of Atlanta, Ga., knows from experience how children can be hurt by tension between ex-spouses.

Relations between Hardin and her ex-spouse have been so strained that her ex has had her arrested a few times. One of her sons, a third grader, has not yet learned to read and suffers from anxiety attacks. Her first grade son recently drew a picture with a laser gun that went around and around a world in which there was ‘no divorce,’ she says.

If a parent is headed for divorce or already is divorced, how can he or she avoid such situations?

First of all, get a good lawyer whose philosophy is similar to your own, advises Stacy D. Phillips, a family law attorney and author of “Divorce: It’s All About Control.”
If you don’t want to fight in court, choose a lawyer who doesn’t want court battles, she says.

Try to stay out of court, she adds. “Refuse to engage in those wars.”

However, if your ex is fighting you in court, you must respond. If like Hardin, your ex files what feels like unfair and unnecessary temporary restraining orders or other complaints, you must “wear the white hat,” Phillips says.

“In a systematic way, tow the line. Be the best example,” says Phillips. “When you go back to the court, look as close to perfect as possible.”

For example, if a restraining order says you must stay away from your ex and kids on certain days or in certain places, follow the provisions of the restraining order. Failure to follow those provisions will only get you in trouble, she says.

In addition, don’t move to another statealong with your childrenwithout first checking in with your ex, Phillips says.

“If one parent decides to leave the state, he or she knows full well there will be a fight,” she says. “You have to decide if it’s worth the battle.”

Too often, parents move to try and gain control of their children, she says.

Remember, Phillips says: Parents who let the courts decide the fate of their children are engaging in a form of child abuse. You’re handing over control of your children to a complete stranger.

Lisa Cohn is an award-winning author and co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio. To listen to interviews with Hardin and Phillips, visit http://www.stepfamilytalkradio.com

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